When a highly contagious and deadly virus has gripped the world by its shaft, it is certainly not the time to begin dabbling in other lands down under.
Especially when said virus, COVID-19, is very transmissible during sex. Lest we forget traces of COVID-19 remain detectable in semen even during “acute” stages of infection and after the individual has recovered.
Sick of the Same Old Nightly Grind
Hey, we get it. After seven months of lockdown, it’s understandable if you grow tired of your 9PM to 5AM grind.
But that is certainly no excuse for committing adultery under any circumstances. Setting aside the immorality of cheating on your partner, you’re putting yourself, your spouse, your side piece, and any children in either household at risk.
A risk that could cost any one of them their life. And you’d have to live — or die knowing — that you fucked over your family because you needed to get fucked… By someone else.
What, role play and wigs weren’t good enough for you? You couldn’t try changing up your pet names or investing in a book like “Penis Genius” to help you breathe new life into the bedroom? You really had to take the lazy route of playing pelvic bumper cars with someone else?
Lost Within These Four Walls
Alternatively, this extended time at home may have opened your eyes to the harsh reality that you are a stranger in your own house.
Much like the Adam Sandler classic “Click,” you had fast forwarded through your life pre-coronavirus. Now, you’ve found you’re stuck in some dystopian future where your own children despise you.
In an attempt to find yourself, you use your genitals as a GPS and navigate between the pussy or asscheeks of someone else.
However, just as a GPS doesn’t always give the best directions, neither will your desires.
As anyone who has ever used a GPS for more than five minutes will tell you, you’ll probably find yourself driving in circles until you’re so tired you settle for sleeping in your car in a spot that’s far from your original destination.
Thus, it’s best to steer clear of letting your cock or cunt take the wheel. Be an adult and follow the compass of your heart. Feeling like a stranger in your own house doesn’t mean you’ll feel any more at home with an actual stranger.
“Yes I Like Piña Coladas”
“I didn’t think about my lady,” Rupert Holmes sings in his classic single, “Escape (The Pina Colada Song).” “I know that sounds kind of mean. But me and my old lady had fallen into the same old dull routine.”
Yet, by the third verse, Holmes sings:
“So I waited with high hopes,
And she walked in the place,
I knew her smile in an instance,
I knew the curve of her face,
It was my own lovely lady,
And she said, ‘Aw, it’s you.’
Then we laughed for a moment,
And I said, ‘I never knew.’
THAT YOU LIKE PINA COLADAS,— “Escape (The Piña Colada Song)” by Rupert Holmes
AND GETTIN’ CAUGHT IN THE RAIN,
AND THE FEEL OF THE OCEAN,
AND THE TAAAAAASTE OF CHAMPAGNE.”
So, what can you take away from what’s arguably the most cherished song about adultery?
Chances are you’re not alone in whatever you’re feeling that’s enticing you into a forbidden escapade. While it may not be the case that you’re both considering betraying your legally-binding marriage, it’s likely you’re both craving an “Escape.”
“Come With Me and Escape”
It takes two to tango and it takes two to sign marriage papers. That being said, it should take two of you to plan your escape from each other.
First, pick yourself up by the pubic hair and have a mature conversation with your spouse about how you’re feeling.
This will give both of you the opportunity to amicably share your frustrations. At that point, you may decide to improve your life together. Or you may decide on an alternative route where your partner encourages you to unleash your horny beast on some other poor, consenting sap.
Even if you end up driving the alternative route, at least you’re both aware of the circumstances. Having an open relationship or marriage may be the solution for some — but running around behind the other person’s back never works out.
Remember: deceivers and cheaters are eventually caught cum-handed, regardless of how protected you think you may be.
Additionally, this added level of awareness gives you both the opportunity to take safety precautions at home.
If you’re running around town like a loose dog in heat during a pandemic, your partner should at the very least be entitled to maintaining six feet of distance from you.
However, it’s worth noting communicating is not possible for everyone. In fact, many fully grown individuals are simply incapable of having adult conversations.
Spice Up Your (Love) Life
Should you both decide you’d like to give it one last ride before listing your asses on the showroom floor, make a conscious effort to spice up your love life together.
However, this option may also not be viable, as some married couples reach the point of being emotionally, physically, and sexually repulsed by each other.
In that case, circle back to good ol’ fashion communication and figure out how you can satisfy your desires without breaching the contract of your marriage and putting your family at risk of contracting a deadly virus or STD.
After all, there are ways to beat your meat without taking it to the streets. You could indulge in cyber sex that both of you are aware of. Or you could practice the safest form of sex by going ahead and fucking yourself.
Consent is sexy — and that sexiness extends beyond consensual lovemaking between you and your spouse. There’s no excuse whatsoever for nonconsensual, sneaky, fowl adultery.
There are many reasons why you may feel you need to sleep with someone else — especially after being locked inside with your current partner for over half a year.
But there are a plethora of options you should explore first before exploring someone else.
In the event that you are the victim of a slimy, rat bastard who has slithered around behind your back, you don’t have to be the victim. Do your homework. Chances are the law is in your favor.
However, all the compensation in the world is simply a bandaid over the potential emotional bullet wound. It’s perfectly normal to feel out your feelings with a little Bayside, so long as you remember to ride your middle finger high into the sky with some Lily Allen by the end of the day.
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