Relationships

Step Your Pussy Up and Get Certified


So you’ve suddenly found yourself schling-schlonged back into the search for dongs and holes to plug after a long hiatus from the dating realm. Now what?

Well, it’s time to step your pussy (or penis) up and certify your goods with a comprehensive STD test — even if you’re fresh out of a long-term relationship that spanned well over a few decades.

After all, it’s one thing to tell a prospective lover, “I’m clean bby” and a whole other thing to whip out a list of tests as long as your arm to prove the junk under the trunk has its inspections up-to-date.

This is especially important if your steady fuck has fucked you over by diving crotch-first into external affairs.

Read: Love & Law

Yes, getting cheated on can be personally hurtful. But nothing hurts more than a case of fire coochie or cock caused by an unfaithful partner who was poking around where they didn’t belong behind your back.

At the end of the day, getting cheated on is by no means the end of your love life. In fact, you may very well find yourself on the next plane across the sea (once travel re-opens) to embark on a tour to fuck all of Europe thanks to your newfound freedom.

Before any of that can go down, you need to make sure your genitals are up to the challenge.

Why You Should Get an STD Test Now

“If you are sexually active, getting tested for STDs is one of the most important things you can do to protect your health,” says the Centers For Disease Control and Prevention.

And y’know what? The CDC ain’t wrong. Incubating an STD in your land-down-under is no bueno, nor is it fair to potentially pass that STD around to any new lovers.

From a more selfish-angle, giving someone else an STD will effectively tarnish your street cred in the dating realm.

Picture this: you’ve matched with someone new on Tinder and you’ve really hit it off. They’re hanging with their friends (six feet apart or over Zoom, of course) and they show your profile off like, “Hey, look at this hottie I matched with.”

Then one of their friends turns to them and says, “Nah, not worth it. Your match gave me chlamydia last week.” Ouch. Not cool.

Additionally — and most importantly — getting tested for STDs is beneficial for your health. A negative test gives you the peace of mind knowing your forsaken fruits check out. A positive test allows you to take action and treat the disease or infection before it progresses into something more serious.

In any case, the CDC recommends the following STD tests outlined below:

  • Everyone between the ages of 13 to 64: Get tested for HIV at least once
  • Every sexually active woman: Get tested for gonorrhea and chlamydia annually
  • Every pregnant woman: Get tested for syphilis, HIV, and hepatitis B early in your pregnancy. Those who may be at risk due to new/multiple sexual partners should also get tested for gonorrhea and chlamydia. Repeat tests as needed
  • All sexually active gay and bisexual men: Get tested for syphilis, chlamydia, and gonorrhea annually. Those who may be at risk due to new/multiple partners should be tested more frequently (every three to six months)
  • All sexually active gay and bisexual men: Getting tested for HIV regularly (every three to six months) may be beneficial to your health
  • Everyone who has unsafe sex or shares injection equipment: Get tested for HIV annually

STDs and STIs by the Numbers

CDC estimates reflect nearly 20 million cases of new STDs and STIs arise each year. Half of which, occur among the nation’s youth.

Those between the ages of 15 to 24 years-old represent 25 percent of the “sexually-experienced population,” yet they account for nearly half of all new STIs diagnosed.

“While the consequences of untreated STIs are often worse for young women, the new analysis reveals that the annual number of new infections is roughly equal among young men and young women,” the CDC continues.

Four of the most common STIs included in the CDC’s analysis are easily treatable if diagnosed early. These STIs are:

  • Chlamydia
  • Gonorrhea
  • Syphilis
  • Trichomoniasis

“However, too many of these infections go undetected because they often have no symptoms,” the CDC explains. “But even STIs that don’t have symptoms can have serious health consequences.”

For example, women with an undiagnosed STI or STD are at an increased risk for experiencing chronic pelvic pain, life-threatening ectopic pregnancy, and infertility.

HPV stands out amongst the crowd, accounting for the “vast majority of newly acquired STIs,” says the CDC.

Although 90 percent of HPV infections will go away on their own within two years, a portion of these infections escalates into serious diseases, including cervical cancer.

Throughout the entire United States, the CDC estimates there are well over 110 million cases of STIs among men and women of all ages.

For those who give a shit about the economy, STIs also place a significant financial strain on the American healthcare system.

The CDC “conservatively estimates” the lifetime cost of treating eight of the most common STIs is $15.6 billion each year.

What Happens if You Test Positive For an STD or STI?

First and foremost, don’t panic and don’t feel ashamed! Secondly, don’t delay treatment, even if you have no symptoms at all. Many STDs and STIs are easily treatable with antibiotics and other medications prescribed by your primary care physician or a specialist, says the CDC.

Secondly, post-pone your resurgence into the dating realm. It’s never a good idea to find yourself entangled with a new lover and a new STD/STI at the same time.

But if you’ve already found yourself in the lap of another while an infection takes hold of your lap, BE HONEST.

While it sucks to have that sit down about your sexual health when all you want to do is sit on each other’s faces, you owe it to yourself and your new partner to be upfront about the situation.

They say it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. In this case, it’s better to have fucked and bucked up than to have fucked and kept your STD/STI a secret.

Yes, they may get angry or upset at first. Still, it’s better to find out from you that they might have contracted it than for them to find out by surprise.

After all, no one finds it pleasant to wake up to bright-red, itchy, burning genitals. If you thought rising and shining to morning wood was inconvenient, waking up to an unexpected STD/STI is by far a more unpleasant experience.

Should You Get Tested for COVID-19 Before Dating Again?

Absolutely, yes, 100 percent. Even if you haven’t stretched out your pubes and taken your pocket-rocket for a spin just yet, you should get tested for COVID-19.

Getting tested for COVID-19 is all the more important if:

  • You’re a frontline worker. This title isn’t exclusive to healthcare workers, either. Anyone who’s out and about working in-person during the pandemic is a frontline worker.
  • You have children who are in school in-person. It’s no secret that kids are germ magnets. Any one of your precious little cherubs could be a super-spreader and you didn’t even know it.
  • You believe you may have been exposed to someone with COVID-19.
  • You’re currently experiencing symptoms of COVID-19. And remember, the list of COVID-19 symptoms seems to grow longer and longer every day. As of Nov. 2020, the list of potential COVID-19 symptoms includes:
    • Congestion or runny nose
    • Cough
    • Diarrhea
    • Fatigue
    • Fever or chills
    • Headache
    • Muscle or body aches
    • Nausea or vomiting
    • New loss of taste or smell
    • Shortness of breath
    • Sore throat

There are also asymptomatic cases of COVID-19. This means you’ve contracted the virus without experiencing any of the aforementioned symptoms.

Those who are asymptomatic are still at risk of spreading the virus to others, making a COVID-19 test all the more important.

You can find out more about COVID-19 in your area by visiting your state’s health department website.

In Conclusion

Jumping dick, pussy, or anus first back into the dating realm is an exciting and somewhat nerve-wracking experience.

Most importantly, you should get tested for STDs and STIs before testing the waters with any new lover. This is important for your health and their health.

Plus, nothing ups your credentials to fuck faster than having the papers to back that you’re certified clean.

… And if you do test positive, don’t panic and don’t feel ashamed! Simply follow-up with your doctor to proceed with treatment from here on out.


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